I have been lying...

...about my true relationship status. Tonight, while he was driving, I saw him with a ring on his left finger. I immediately gasped. He asked "What?" I said "Nothing... really." And then a few seconds later, he massaged his right arm again, and I saw there's no more ring. He took it out. I'm not sure if he figured that I saw the ring, but definitely he took off the ring as soon as I gasped and said nothing to him.

He is married.

He is married.

He is married.

I have been lying about this because... I don't want to lose him. I have been selfish, knowing the fact that he has a wife, yet I decided to stay. Because I don't want to lose him. I have been wanting to tell him that I knew his real marital status, but I'm too afraid of losing him. He's........ everything I have.

I see this as a relationship. I'm sure for him it's just a lust or feeling lonely. I really want this relationship to work, and the fact that I have fallen for him made it even difficult to let go. I don't want to ruin someone's marriage... really. But I don't wanna lose him.

Paul... why????

Not a memory for me.

[8:13:14 AM]  Him: Morning cutie. (sun) (sun)
[8:14:55 AM] Me: Mmmm~~ i thought u've forgotten about me.
[8:15:00 AM] Me: Good evening boo.
[8:15:14 AM] Me: Happy Memorial Day. 🇺🇸
[8:17:48 AM] Him: Thanks. Busy day. Still at sisters but wanted to say good morning
[8:18:05 AM] Me: K
[8:22:08 AM] Him: (kiss) (kiss) (kiss) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove)
[8:25:56 AM] Me: Ok. U go have fun with your wife, your loved ones.
[8:29:57 AM] Him: What are you doing today??
[8:38:44 AM | Removed 8:39:01 AM] Me: This message has been removed.
[8:46:24 AM] Me: You just have fun, k.

I removed one text because I was mad. I was mad because I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU!

AND IT IS ALWAYS.... I REPEAT, ALWAYS, DURING SPECIAL DAYS, YOU'RE GONE FOR 24 HOURS! DURING CHRISTMAS IT'S ALMOST 2 DAYS!

Oh wait, I am just a mistress, am I not?
A mistress that you need when you want to, and dump when you don't need me anymore.
Who am I to you?

I am a woman, with emotions! I don't want your money, I don't want anything materialistic, I JUST WANT YOU! GET IT? I ONLY WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. NO MORE, NO LESS. JUST YOU!



I am hurt. Always gonna be alone.
A pathetic woman that will always be fooled by you, a married man.
A woman that you will laugh when everything is over.

I am not that important.
So just go and have fun.
...because you really don't want your Mrs D. Mahler to find out about you cheating behind her back!

Memorial Day

...and here I am alone, again.

When memorial day is not like what it seems in reality.
This is what it feels like when you become the other woman.

Enjoy your time with your wife, kids, and your families, Paul. Bet that actually you're going to your in-laws house for Memorial Day barbecue.

Leave me alone. Let it be. Crying at night for nothing, but missing you that I think you won't remember me at all!!!! You may be kissing your wife in the morning, having good breakfast, and going out with her... and her watching you marching on a parade with your kids, because I can't be there!

Damn this thing. Why I still can't let you go, even though I know you're a big fat liar?!

----------

I'm gonna put this one aside. To all Americans,

Happy Memorial Day.

Remember our heroes.

Sunday........

....and I am all alone, again.

He's a married man on Sunday.

The day where he will ignore me to spend his entire day with this wife, and his two beloved daughters.

In the end, I am the fool one.

The fucked up one.

...because I will always be alone.

I wanna cry.

Fight and secret

So tonight (Sunday night), he said that he's at his sister's house for dinner. That might be true. But somehow, it felt weird when he had to go outside amidst the rain just to say hi to me. As if he is keeping a secret. As if he doesn't want to let his sister know that he's virtually dating me. As if I am yet to be included in his family circle. As if I am the mistress that needs to be hidden all the time.

Oh wait, he has someone in his life already.

This is very frustrating. He is always gone during the weekend. Always. I long for his random talk, laugh about random things, you know, like what boyfriend girlfriend do - being lazy, getting cozy with each other. I know men need some space, but the only time I got to talk to him is always during his work time. Quite frustrating.

For the second time, he lied about his name. Not Eric, but Paul. But he told me that Eric is his second name, which I am not sure what to believe. I tried to trust him, but he keeps on breaching the trust. My heart shatters to pieces. All the time. Even though I let it go, I am not sure whatever he said to me tonight has some truth in it.

[7:20:15 AM] eric222333: No I mean back into sis house stepped outside a min to talk to you
[7:20:32 AM] Sha HZ: Why do you need to do that?
[7:27:10 AM] eric222333: Haha. Cause I'm wet. Was raining out.
[7:28:07 AM] Sha HZ: Then why going out to talk to me? We can text inside the house and not getting yourself wet.
[7:47:18 AM] eric222333: Rude to text at table I think.
[7:50:03 AM] Sha HZ: You know i dont mean while having dinner.
[7:51:37 AM] Sha HZ: Ok if that is how you see me. Enjoy.
[7:54:32 AM] eric222333: What do you me as how I see you???   I didn't say anything about how I see u?
[8:06:46 AM] eric222333: I wasn't saying your rude
[8:06:55 AM] eric222333: If that's what you think I meant.
[8:07:43 AM] eric222333: Not at all. I just didn't want to text at the table but wanted to say hi to you. So I stepped outside for some fresh air to say hi.
[8:10:51 AM] Sha HZ: K. My fault.
[8:13:45 AM] Sha HZ: Not appreciating your struggles just to talk to me amidst the rain. Fine. Sorry.
[8:15:23 AM] Sha HZ: For* not

So, in the end, it is always me to surrender. I let him win.

But I really love this man. Sigh. Why so difficult?

So, my next question is..... who am I to him? Girlfriend? Or just someone for him to satisfy his needs... needs, by mean sex?



Sincerely,
In dilemma

Social experiment

Joined a closed group on Infidelity Support Group, and I must say, becoming The Other Woman, no matter how much you do not want to be the bad person, you will ALWAYS be considered as one. People will see you as trash, troll, stupid, idiot, and so much more. People won't see the good side of you, people won't see how much you too are suffering. All they can think of is that you are a troll who destroys other people's marriage.

Then, the kicked me out from the group. They deleted my post too.

Okay, I am a bad person if I do not confront him the truth.

I am sorry.
Truly am.

However, this is hard for me too. One person commented that I've been fooled by him, so it is okay to question myself about the future. I find it hard, because I fell in love with him right before I found out that he's married.

Oh dear Lord, what should I do? If I leave him, I'm saving a marriage, but destroying the inner me. If I don't, people will still see me as the bad woman, which I don't want that.

I ended up crying.
Difficult to sleep.

Life is hard.
And thick skin is not my thing.
I am embarrassed by what they commented.

Sigh.

"I killed all my wives."

Yep, that's what he said to me last night.

He killed his so called wives - his wife, and two daughters.

Like I would believe you, but I will continue to do so.

I look like a fool, am I not?

So, he'll be going for a scuba diving orientation in NY aquarium (I think it's in Brooklyn), on April 24th. Sunday. So he'll definitely be taking his day off.

But here's a thing. He's been wondering whether or not to bring his fire truck to the city because it is quite far. So I said "use your car, you have one, don't you?", and he told me this, "I had to lend my car to my friend. Remember the one that I accompanied with, he had an accident, so I had to lend him mine."

Yes, how sweet.

Or, what you're trying to say was this: "My wife's using it, and she goes to church every Sunday."

Paul, look... you can continue to lie to me, but don't you think sooner or later I will find out about it? Why can't you just simply go out with your wife then. Oh wait, you have problems with her? Then, fixed it. I don't want to be somebody's mistress, and you come to me only when you 'need' me.

I do have this dream of living together with you, be a happy family together. But if you can't fix your problems, then there's no point for us to be together. What do you think of me, a slave where you can have fun with, and then leave whenever you want to?

Paul Mahler, please..... fix this issue.
I care. And hope you do too.


Yours sincerely,
Almost-giving-up-mistress-because-of-your-lies