Hi.
I decided to talk about men today. Before that, I just wanna tell you that this is just my opinion, and I respect that if you have different opinions about it. This is based on my experiences, and I feel like sharing. So... it's up to you to judge.
It has been months now since the first time I dated an American man online. Throughout those times, I realized a few things:
- He refused/changed subjects when I wanted to know more about his families (mom, and siblings).
- He refused/changed subjects when I wanted to know what happened between him and his past love-life (ex girlfriends mostly).
- He RARELY talked about his parents, relatives, or his past to me, except for work, and my life.
- I never Skyped with him at night (well, his night) at his home. Never greeted goodnight with warm kisses, or just to see each other before he went to bed, and I did my errands.
- I found him hard to say those three magical words, "I Love You", or "I Miss You". Usually when he said "I miss you", he meant something different, and I think you know what it is.
- When you are in a call with someone, you always turned off your Skype microphone, as if there are something that you do not wish to share. I know I shouldn't meddle in anything you do, but it is suspicious when you keep on doing that all the time!
I found it somewhat ridiculous and hard to believe. To me, as a woman, we are prone to ask those questions mentioned in points 1, 2, and 3 prior to getting to know each other- whether it is online, or not. We are driven with curiosities, of course we wanna know what has happened in your life. Because here, we are trying to build that trust with one another, and trust is important in any relationships. It is more than just small talk - work, and college. I like to know what my man likes and dislikes, his turn ons and turn offs, his hobbies and past times, food and drinks, and so much more.We are building that comfort zones, so that we could talk about anything comfortably. It's trust, and you are building your trust to someone that you care/love. That is why I believe those questions are important.
But what you do/did:
When I asked you about past love life and why you ended up your relationships with them, you simply said "I don't know", or shrug, or "meh, it didn't go well." What exactly is happening here? I know you are not comfortable with it, some people felt super awkward when their past life were brought up, but I don't understand why you kept on changing subjects every time I brought this issues up. I mean, I just want to know. It's part of learning, and getting to know each other better. And again back to the previous paragraph, I am trying to build trust in you. Until now, I still don't see it.
I always, always, have this wishful thinking of waiting you to come home from work, talk to you for a bit before you go to bed and sleep. Alas, it never happened. Never. We never skype during the weekends, before you go to work or after you come home from work. Never. Your reason is always long day at work, or tired. Okay fine, I do understand that you have tonnes of paperwork and calls at the fire house, but if we really are in a relationship, I think you can find some time to talk with each other before heading to bed. I know you don't have off day(s) during the weekends, but if you have time for your phone, you have time for your lady - even if it is only for 1 minute. Agreed?
It is always me to say i love you or i miss you first. Not you. I RARELY heard you said i love you or i miss you to me. Those three words, even though we are in a huge fight, can put out those flames. Women love to be treated like a queen, because they are not toys. They are not sex object to satisfy what every men need in their life - fun, lust, and satisfaction. Women have feelings, and you as a man, to be able to say those three words surely will make women feel more appreciated, and they know that you want them not just for sex, but for who they are!
When you told me you have Facebook but it has been a while since the last time you logged in, I find it hard to believe too. But then, I tried to let go because I am trying to build that trust. However, it was backfired. Remember when you did a background check on one of your potential secretary candidates? The one with a crack pipe? The photo is of your monitor screen, and it was Facebook website on the tab. Again, I kept my mouth shut but, I did background checks on you too, honey. Just to make sure that you won't fool me.
So, after a few months of dating, I found out these:
- Slipped off his real last name. I was told that his last name was Jones, like Indiana Jones. But when I did my background check on him at the firehouse, I cannot find anyone's last name as "Jones". But I remember when I asked him about his lawyer degree, he said he has a JD, like a doctoral degree - but for a lawyer (professional Jurist Doctor, I think), he said this, "...so call me Dr. Mahler................ wait, no, call me Dr. Jones. Jones. Like Indiana Jones." At that point, I felt like a massive bomb thrown on his face. I raised my eyebrows, pretended to shock and asked "Mahler? Who's Mahler?" And he slowly said, "Mahler is my real last name."
- He told me that he has lived a single life for soooooo long, so he is used to being alone. So one day, he was driving to work when he skyped with me. First thing I noticed was there's a shiny thing on his left hand as he steered his truck to work. It was a very bright sunny Saturday, so that thing shines too. And then he stopped (red light), and..... I can see a golden-yellowish ring clearly on his left ring finger. Now, there's a bullet in my heart. So unbelievable, but the usual, I denied it until I did another background check on his facebook and found...... his wife's facebook. Mind blowing! I was out of word.
- He has a picture of his 'niece' on his shelf, when he first told me. But then again, background check proved otherwise. I saw his picture, and he was so happy to put a necklace on his daughter's neck. Yes, people, daughter. He has a daughter. Two to be exact. All are females. So, he's married AND have two children.
- Again, one day I asked about his family and whereabouts. He slipped off this one, "my wife's sister still lives somewhere nearby." And pretended not to listened well, I asked back, "aaa... your who's sister?" He said, "My sister." Hmm.... say no-wife one more time, honey?
- I asked about his first experience in sex, and I asked how long has it been since that last time he had sex. "Ohh A WHILE now!" Hmmm, interesting. And interesting to know that you are still young, but have children of two, one whose already married... it had me thinking, did you get married early?
Here's what I think about married men who happened to have secret affairs.
- Men, just like women, they are also filled with emotions. Unlike women though, they seldom portray this with their body language. So they happen to be broken from the inside. Apart from sex, men also love to be loved by his significant other. But when his significant other can't satisfy his needs, that is when he will find someone out there that can bring his 'life' with romance, affection, and fun.
- Married young. Perhaps, he is not having so much fun while he was young, so he is searching for 'that' fun. Satisfaction through another woman who can give him the fun he needed.
- Unhappy marriage. He is lost, or he may tried to rekindle back those fond memories together, but he can't do it because there is no longer 'sparks' between them. So, by having an affair, he believe that he could be happier again - he finds himself in another woman, just like the old times, the first time he married his wife.
- Secret affair? Yes, but he will always remain in the shadow of his wife and children. So think of having a future with this kind of man, well... think again. He may or may not divorce his wife just because he has an affair with you. Secondly, ever heard of this statement? "I have an affair, I am happy, but nothing compared to my beautiful wife." No matter how hot you are, how fun you can be with him, in the end, he'll choose his wife over you. Two things to see this, one not because he doesn't love his wife, but because of his children. It's not fun coming from a broken family. Two, to meet the family's needs. When you are married, you are committed to it in a long term - taking care of households, your wife, your children, your needs, everything! So secret affair? It's just a past time habit.
Here's a thing. Why I still want to continue with this relationship even though I know he's married, and lied so many things about himself?
- I do not wish to jeopardize his marriage. No. I want to create that trust where I hope one day he will open up his heart, and tell me the truth about it, and why he lied about so many things. I do not want to end my friendship/relationship with him in bad terms. That is usually NOT A GOOD SIGN.
- I feel bad for his wife. Yes. A lot. But I don't blame him 100%, because to me, marriage is about give and take. He may have tried to give so much, but his wife may have not given him what he wants/needs. I am not saying that sex is an option, but every men has needs too. He is emotionally and sexually depressed, from my point of view. That is why by having an affair will re-create the fantasy he hoped to be with his wife again. So here, I want to be a good listener for him, no matter how crappy that may sound. He is very lonely inside, and that can lead to emotional depression.
- I am beginning to feel my affection for him. I know I should back off - he's married for God's sake! - and move on with my life, but he makes me feel alive. I am happy when I'm with him. Some of this stories were based on truth - they are not entirely lies, after all, except for personal life and love life - and I am happy to be part of it, to listen, to laugh at his jokes... just be me.
Okay, that's all for now. If he ever read this, I just want him to know that I understand why you did this. I want you to know that I do care about you, and I love you. And I'm not stupid to find out the truth about you. It's hard to accept the fact that you are married, but hey... life is cruel. Women are emotionally stronger, that is why we can swallow the most bitter thing in life. Hey, talk about women power!
