I have been lying...

...about my true relationship status. Tonight, while he was driving, I saw him with a ring on his left finger. I immediately gasped. He asked "What?" I said "Nothing... really." And then a few seconds later, he massaged his right arm again, and I saw there's no more ring. He took it out. I'm not sure if he figured that I saw the ring, but definitely he took off the ring as soon as I gasped and said nothing to him.

He is married.

He is married.

He is married.

I have been lying about this because... I don't want to lose him. I have been selfish, knowing the fact that he has a wife, yet I decided to stay. Because I don't want to lose him. I have been wanting to tell him that I knew his real marital status, but I'm too afraid of losing him. He's........ everything I have.

I see this as a relationship. I'm sure for him it's just a lust or feeling lonely. I really want this relationship to work, and the fact that I have fallen for him made it even difficult to let go. I don't want to ruin someone's marriage... really. But I don't wanna lose him.

Paul... why????

Not a memory for me.

[8:13:14 AM]  Him: Morning cutie. (sun) (sun)
[8:14:55 AM] Me: Mmmm~~ i thought u've forgotten about me.
[8:15:00 AM] Me: Good evening boo.
[8:15:14 AM] Me: Happy Memorial Day. 🇺🇸
[8:17:48 AM] Him: Thanks. Busy day. Still at sisters but wanted to say good morning
[8:18:05 AM] Me: K
[8:22:08 AM] Him: (kiss) (kiss) (kiss) (inlove) (inlove) (inlove)
[8:25:56 AM] Me: Ok. U go have fun with your wife, your loved ones.
[8:29:57 AM] Him: What are you doing today??
[8:38:44 AM | Removed 8:39:01 AM] Me: This message has been removed.
[8:46:24 AM] Me: You just have fun, k.

I removed one text because I was mad. I was mad because I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU. I MISS YOU!

AND IT IS ALWAYS.... I REPEAT, ALWAYS, DURING SPECIAL DAYS, YOU'RE GONE FOR 24 HOURS! DURING CHRISTMAS IT'S ALMOST 2 DAYS!

Oh wait, I am just a mistress, am I not?
A mistress that you need when you want to, and dump when you don't need me anymore.
Who am I to you?

I am a woman, with emotions! I don't want your money, I don't want anything materialistic, I JUST WANT YOU! GET IT? I ONLY WANT YOU IN MY LIFE. NO MORE, NO LESS. JUST YOU!



I am hurt. Always gonna be alone.
A pathetic woman that will always be fooled by you, a married man.
A woman that you will laugh when everything is over.

I am not that important.
So just go and have fun.
...because you really don't want your Mrs D. Mahler to find out about you cheating behind her back!

Memorial Day

...and here I am alone, again.

When memorial day is not like what it seems in reality.
This is what it feels like when you become the other woman.

Enjoy your time with your wife, kids, and your families, Paul. Bet that actually you're going to your in-laws house for Memorial Day barbecue.

Leave me alone. Let it be. Crying at night for nothing, but missing you that I think you won't remember me at all!!!! You may be kissing your wife in the morning, having good breakfast, and going out with her... and her watching you marching on a parade with your kids, because I can't be there!

Damn this thing. Why I still can't let you go, even though I know you're a big fat liar?!

----------

I'm gonna put this one aside. To all Americans,

Happy Memorial Day.

Remember our heroes.

Sunday........

....and I am all alone, again.

He's a married man on Sunday.

The day where he will ignore me to spend his entire day with this wife, and his two beloved daughters.

In the end, I am the fool one.

The fucked up one.

...because I will always be alone.

I wanna cry.

Fight and secret

So tonight (Sunday night), he said that he's at his sister's house for dinner. That might be true. But somehow, it felt weird when he had to go outside amidst the rain just to say hi to me. As if he is keeping a secret. As if he doesn't want to let his sister know that he's virtually dating me. As if I am yet to be included in his family circle. As if I am the mistress that needs to be hidden all the time.

Oh wait, he has someone in his life already.

This is very frustrating. He is always gone during the weekend. Always. I long for his random talk, laugh about random things, you know, like what boyfriend girlfriend do - being lazy, getting cozy with each other. I know men need some space, but the only time I got to talk to him is always during his work time. Quite frustrating.

For the second time, he lied about his name. Not Eric, but Paul. But he told me that Eric is his second name, which I am not sure what to believe. I tried to trust him, but he keeps on breaching the trust. My heart shatters to pieces. All the time. Even though I let it go, I am not sure whatever he said to me tonight has some truth in it.

[7:20:15 AM] eric222333: No I mean back into sis house stepped outside a min to talk to you
[7:20:32 AM] Sha HZ: Why do you need to do that?
[7:27:10 AM] eric222333: Haha. Cause I'm wet. Was raining out.
[7:28:07 AM] Sha HZ: Then why going out to talk to me? We can text inside the house and not getting yourself wet.
[7:47:18 AM] eric222333: Rude to text at table I think.
[7:50:03 AM] Sha HZ: You know i dont mean while having dinner.
[7:51:37 AM] Sha HZ: Ok if that is how you see me. Enjoy.
[7:54:32 AM] eric222333: What do you me as how I see you???   I didn't say anything about how I see u?
[8:06:46 AM] eric222333: I wasn't saying your rude
[8:06:55 AM] eric222333: If that's what you think I meant.
[8:07:43 AM] eric222333: Not at all. I just didn't want to text at the table but wanted to say hi to you. So I stepped outside for some fresh air to say hi.
[8:10:51 AM] Sha HZ: K. My fault.
[8:13:45 AM] Sha HZ: Not appreciating your struggles just to talk to me amidst the rain. Fine. Sorry.
[8:15:23 AM] Sha HZ: For* not

So, in the end, it is always me to surrender. I let him win.

But I really love this man. Sigh. Why so difficult?

So, my next question is..... who am I to him? Girlfriend? Or just someone for him to satisfy his needs... needs, by mean sex?



Sincerely,
In dilemma

Social experiment

Joined a closed group on Infidelity Support Group, and I must say, becoming The Other Woman, no matter how much you do not want to be the bad person, you will ALWAYS be considered as one. People will see you as trash, troll, stupid, idiot, and so much more. People won't see the good side of you, people won't see how much you too are suffering. All they can think of is that you are a troll who destroys other people's marriage.

Then, the kicked me out from the group. They deleted my post too.

Okay, I am a bad person if I do not confront him the truth.

I am sorry.
Truly am.

However, this is hard for me too. One person commented that I've been fooled by him, so it is okay to question myself about the future. I find it hard, because I fell in love with him right before I found out that he's married.

Oh dear Lord, what should I do? If I leave him, I'm saving a marriage, but destroying the inner me. If I don't, people will still see me as the bad woman, which I don't want that.

I ended up crying.
Difficult to sleep.

Life is hard.
And thick skin is not my thing.
I am embarrassed by what they commented.

Sigh.

"I killed all my wives."

Yep, that's what he said to me last night.

He killed his so called wives - his wife, and two daughters.

Like I would believe you, but I will continue to do so.

I look like a fool, am I not?

So, he'll be going for a scuba diving orientation in NY aquarium (I think it's in Brooklyn), on April 24th. Sunday. So he'll definitely be taking his day off.

But here's a thing. He's been wondering whether or not to bring his fire truck to the city because it is quite far. So I said "use your car, you have one, don't you?", and he told me this, "I had to lend my car to my friend. Remember the one that I accompanied with, he had an accident, so I had to lend him mine."

Yes, how sweet.

Or, what you're trying to say was this: "My wife's using it, and she goes to church every Sunday."

Paul, look... you can continue to lie to me, but don't you think sooner or later I will find out about it? Why can't you just simply go out with your wife then. Oh wait, you have problems with her? Then, fixed it. I don't want to be somebody's mistress, and you come to me only when you 'need' me.

I do have this dream of living together with you, be a happy family together. But if you can't fix your problems, then there's no point for us to be together. What do you think of me, a slave where you can have fun with, and then leave whenever you want to?

Paul Mahler, please..... fix this issue.
I care. And hope you do too.


Yours sincerely,
Almost-giving-up-mistress-because-of-your-lies

Secrets....

We skyped last night before I went to bed. It got serious when I brought up issues of trust and commitment. I really felt like saying those to him. I mean, come on, after 6 months in a relationship with him, I still cannot figured out reasons why he is so secretive. To me, being in a relationship means putting your trust and honesty to that person, although you cannot put it wholeheartedly. You love that person, so I guess it is common if you could share your stories every now and then.

But with him.... It is always, random talk. Nothing about ourselves - well, in this case, it's more about me than him. So, I am curious to know what exactly is on his mind.

I asked the reason why he is being so secretive. When he said "I am just a private person", I had a feeling that it is not entirely true. I insisted to know what happened. To my surprise, he told me this (not specific, but enough to shock me), "...because when I put my trust to someone I love, I always ended up getting hurt. Fucked up. It's a shit!" So I dared to ask him another question, "is that the reason why you cannot trust me?" He said, "I'm getting there." I asked more, "are you happy with me?" He said, "I am." I asked if he is okay with this relationship, long distance, and he said "I am good this way."

So... it got me thinking, actually, what happened to him and his wife? Does his wife cheat? Or did she cheat on him? Is that the reason why he decided to find another woman? Revenge? Feel hurt because of breaching of trust? If yes, why still staying with his wife? Why is that every time there's call in the house, he always said "Let me get back to my wife" and said to me "Spam! I hate spams!" Even though I heard their conversation but what ever. Why is his wife appeared on every events he attended to? What is happening, exactly?

At the same time, I feel hurt. And sad. The fact that he finds it hard to trust me, and makes that kind of commitment - the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I trust him, yet he breaches my trust. He thought I didn't know the fact that he is still married, that's one thing. He lied about his real name (used Eric instead of Paul) is another thing. He breaches so much, it shatters my heart into pieces. But most hurtful would be the trust. He can't trust me. So who am I? A girl who can entertain him when he is lonely/in need? I love my man so much eventhough I knew that he is still married. Put aside marriage. It's trust that I feel hurt the most. He may say "I'm getting there", will he ever trust me? The fact that our relationship is virtual and theoretical, I am not sure if he can put his trust on me.

I cried after hearing that, for a brief moment. Because I love him, I love Paul W. Mahler. Knowing that he cannot trust me, and with commitment issues, I fear that he have stabbed sharp knives to my heart. We went silence for a moment, before we terminated the conversation by changing the subject to something funnier.

Oh Paul Mahler, what has happened to you? Can't you at least be honest with me? I have put my trust on you, but you keep yourself away from me. You don't want to tell me your address, phone number, personal stories, past love life, and even your real name. Tell me, what have I done that made you feel like this? What went wrong with your past life? I want to know, and if you consider me as your girlfriend, I don't see any reasons why I should not know about this. I want to share my life with you, and I believe I have done my part. What is do dark about your past that you do not wish to share it with me? You cannot trust me?

I love my man.
I want to protect my man.

But he is keeping his distant away from me.
And I want to know why.

Paul... Please, tell me your secrets.
What happened?






I love my man.
I don't care if you are 45 years old.
I don't care if you are married.
I want you to know, you are more than just boyfriend to me.

You are everything I have.
Love. Fun.

I don't care if you have million dollars.
I don't care if you are not rich.
I don't care if you think I am a fool to fall in love with you.

...because all I care about is you.
I love you!
Don't forget that!

He texted....

Good evening. (kiss) (kiss)

...on Skype.

at 11.56pm.

I am mad.

I feel like punching his face right now and say "just go to your wife, because I am not important to you!"

He's gone again.

...weekend.

And here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, hoping that he would text me.

But to no avail.

Wife and kids, I assume?

Yep, I am not that important at all.

Sigh.

Enough said.

Birthday for my man who does not exist.

Bought cupcakes to celebrate his birthday today... March 30.
Planned to give him a surprise birthday celebration when we Skype.

But, I am pretty sure I am not his priority.

Yea, he has a wife and two beautiful daughters.
So, make that as his LAST priority.

I'm so stupid.
Sigh.



p/s: Also, hurt my back. I chose not to tell him. I'll let him enjoy his day while I suffer from sadness. Thanks!

Relationship expectation....

What are my possibilities of having a future together with Paul?
Answer: Maybe nil.

3) Most affairs end.

It’s important to know that, while affairs can be incredibly sexy, compelling, addictive and renewing, most of them end. That’s because after the thrill wears off, most people recognize that everyone, even the affair partner, is a package deal.

This means that we all have good points and bad points. When two people are in the throes of infatuation, they are only focusing on what’s good. This is short-lived, generally speaking. That’s because reality sets in and infatuation fades. If the betrayed spouse doesn’t run to a divorce attorney prematurely, it’s entirely possible that an affair will die a natural death.

I read this article above about Infidelity from Huntington Post online. I am seriously torn when I read the third point of dealing with infidelity issue. Been talking to my Filipino best friend about this since she is the only person who knows the ugly truth of my relationship with Paul, and she saw how devastated I am especially remembering the fact that PAUL ALREADY HAS A WIFE.

Sam, if you read this, please... I seriously need a major therapy. I love Paul, and I do not consider this relationship as an affair. What should I do? If I leave him, I'm like dead. If I don't, I'll remain in the shadow, and the guilt for his wife would be much severe.

I don't know what to do.
Sigh.

Infidelity

Those conversations.... definitely has very deep meanings.

So, it is confirmed. He has a wife, Debbie, and two beautiful daughters, Rae and Meg. All grown ups. One is already married, one is about to go to college. He has a beautiful family in Melville, people.

I should just back off...........

..........But I can't!

The thing is, I love this man so much despite the infidelity issue. I have dropping hints here and there, made up stories, hoped that eventually he told me the truth. I told him my Filipino best friend (which was actually me) was in a relationship with a married man. I asked him whether they do have future together?

His answers broke my heart. Shattered into pieces.

He said even though that person has a wife, he may not love his wife anymore. So he tried to find an affair where he can satisfy his needs, emotionally and physically... By means of sex. Also because of children, he can't leave his wife. It will hurt his children. So future with him... possible, but chances are almost nil. Some won't have chances at all. So it will be just an affair for that guy.

After the Skype talk 2 days ago, I cried before I went to bed. I love this man, but it's difficult because he has a wife and children. He told me that he has three wives that he keep safely locked in the basement (more like a joke), but three? It's like a statement "I have a wife and 2 daughters".

Paul Mah***, if you read this, please... no more lies.

........I still love this man.

Will I have future with him?
Would he eventually want to settle in together with me?

I love this man.
But marriage binds him.

Sigh.

Weekends without him...

...I'm pretty sad right now, but then I think he might be with his wife, pour his undivided attention to her, leaving me alone....

...until Monday starts again.

Sigh.

I miss you, Paul. But then, I have to understand, you have a wife. This is just an affair to you. But to me, it's a relationship.

Sigh.

Okay, I'll try to sleep without crying.

Goodnight earthlings.
Good morning Melville, NY.

Men - love, and lust

Hi.

I decided to talk about men today. Before that, I just wanna tell you that this is just my opinion, and I respect that if you have different opinions about it. This is based on my experiences, and I feel like sharing. So... it's up to you to judge.

It has been months now since the first time I dated an American man online. Throughout those times, I realized a few things:

1. He refused/changed subjects when I wanted to know more about his families (mom, and siblings).
2. He refused/changed subjects when I wanted to know what happened between him and his past love-life (ex girlfriends mostly).
3. He RARELY talked about his parents, relatives, or his past to me, except for work, and my life.
4. I never Skyped with him at night (well, his night) at his home. Never greeted goodnight with warm kisses, or just to see each other before he went to bed, and I did my errands.
5. I found him hard to say those three magical words, "I Love You", or "I Miss You". Usually when he said "I miss you", he meant something different, and I think you know what it is.
6. When you are in a call with someone, you always turned off your Skype microphone, as if there are something that you do not wish to share. I know I shouldn't meddle in anything you do, but it is suspicious when you keep on doing that all the time!

I found it somewhat ridiculous and hard to believe. To me, as a woman, we are prone to ask those questions mentioned in points 1, 2, and 3 prior to getting to know each other- whether it is online, or not. We are driven with curiosities, of course we wanna know what has happened in your life. Because here, we are trying to build that trust with one another, and trust is important in any relationships. It is more than just small talk - work, and college. I like to know what my man likes and dislikes, his turn ons and turn offs, his hobbies and past times, food and drinks, and so much more.We are building that comfort zones, so that we could talk about anything comfortably. It's trust, and you are building your trust to someone that you care/love. That is why I believe those questions are important.

But what you do/did:

When I asked you about past love life and why you ended up your relationships with them, you simply said "I don't know", or shrug, or "meh, it didn't go well." What exactly is happening here? I know you are not comfortable with it, some people felt super awkward when their past life were brought up, but I don't understand why you kept on changing subjects every time I brought this issues up. I mean, I just want to know. It's part of learning, and getting to know each other better. And again back to the previous paragraph, I am trying to build trust in you. Until now, I still don't see it.

I always, always, have this wishful thinking of waiting you to come home from work, talk to you for a bit before you go to bed and sleep. Alas, it never happened. Never. We never skype during the weekends, before you go to work or after you come home from work. Never. Your reason is always long day at work, or tired. Okay fine, I do understand that you have tonnes of paperwork and calls at the fire house, but if we really are in a relationship, I think you can find some time to talk with each other before heading to bed. I know you don't have off day(s) during the weekends, but if you have time for your phone, you have time for your lady - even if it is only for 1 minute. Agreed?

It is always me to say i love you or i miss you first. Not you. I RARELY heard you said i love you or i miss you to me. Those three words, even though we are in a huge fight, can put out those flames. Women love to be treated like a queen, because they are not toys. They are not sex object to satisfy what every men need in their life - fun, lust, and satisfaction. Women have feelings, and you as a man, to be able to say those three words surely will make women feel more appreciated, and they know that you want them not just for sex, but for who they are!

When you told me you have Facebook but it has been a while since the last time you logged in, I find it hard to believe too. But then, I tried to let go because I am trying to build that trust. However, it was backfired. Remember when you did a background check on one of your potential secretary candidates? The one with a crack pipe? The photo is of your monitor screen, and it was Facebook website on the tab. Again, I kept my mouth shut but, I did background checks on you too, honey. Just to make sure that you won't fool me.

So, after a few months of dating, I found out these:

1. Slipped off his real last name. I was told that his last name was Jones, like Indiana Jones. But when I did my background check on him at the firehouse, I cannot find anyone's last name as "Jones". But I remember when I asked him about his lawyer degree, he said he has a JD, like a doctoral degree - but for a lawyer (professional Jurist Doctor, I think), he said this, "...so call me Dr. Mahler................ wait, no, call me Dr. Jones. Jones. Like Indiana Jones." At that point, I felt like a massive bomb thrown on his face. I raised my eyebrows, pretended to shock and asked "Mahler? Who's Mahler?" And he slowly said, "Mahler is my real last name."
2. He told me that he has lived a single life for soooooo long, so he is used to being alone. So one day, he was driving to work when he skyped with me. First thing I noticed was there's a shiny thing on his left hand as he steered his truck to work. It was a very bright sunny Saturday, so that thing shines too. And then he stopped (red light), and..... I can see a golden-yellowish ring clearly on his left ring finger. Now, there's a bullet in my heart. So unbelievable, but the usual, I denied it until I did another background check on his facebook and found...... his wife's facebook. Mind blowing! I was out of word.
3. He has a picture of his 'niece' on his shelf, when he first told me. But then again, background check proved otherwise. I saw his picture, and he was so happy to put a necklace on his daughter's neck. Yes, people, daughter. He has a daughter. Two to be exact. All are females. So, he's married AND have two children.
4. Again, one day I asked about his family and whereabouts. He slipped off this one, "my wife's sister still lives somewhere nearby." And pretended not to listened well, I asked back, "aaa... your who's sister?" He said, "My sister." Hmm.... say no-wife one more time, honey?
5. I asked about his first experience in sex, and I asked how long has it been since that last time he had sex. "Ohh A WHILE now!" Hmmm, interesting. And interesting to know that you are still young, but have children of two, one whose already married... it had me thinking, did you get married early?

Here's what I think about married men who happened to have secret affairs.

• Men, just like women, they are also filled with emotions. Unlike women though, they seldom portray this with their body language. So they happen to be broken from the inside. Apart from sex, men also love to be loved by his significant other. But when his significant other can't satisfy his needs, that is when he will find someone out there that can bring his 'life' with romance, affection, and fun.
• Married young. Perhaps, he is not having so much fun while he was young, so he is searching for 'that' fun. Satisfaction through another woman who can give him the fun he needed.
• Unhappy marriage. He is lost, or he may tried to rekindle back those fond memories together, but he can't do it because there is no longer 'sparks' between them. So, by having an affair, he believe that he could be happier again - he finds himself in another woman, just like the old times, the first time he married his wife.
• Secret affair? Yes, but he will always remain in the shadow of his wife and children. So think of having a future with this kind of man, well... think again. He may or may not divorce his wife just because he has an affair with you. Secondly, ever heard of this statement? "I have an affair, I am happy, but nothing compared to my beautiful wife." No matter how hot you are, how fun you can be with him, in the end, he'll choose his wife over you. Two things to see this, one not because he doesn't love his wife, but because of his children. It's not fun coming from a broken family. Two, to meet the family's needs. When you are married, you are committed to it in a long term - taking care of households, your wife, your children, your needs, everything! So secret affair? It's just a past time habit.

Here's a thing. Why I still want to continue with this relationship even though I know he's married, and lied so many things about himself?

1. I do not wish to jeopardize his marriage. No. I want to create that trust where I hope one day he will open up his heart, and tell me the truth about it, and why he lied about so many things. I do not want to end my friendship/relationship with him in bad terms. That is usually NOT A GOOD SIGN.
2. I feel bad for his wife. Yes. A lot. But I don't blame him 100%, because to me, marriage is about give and take. He may have tried to give so much, but his wife may have not given him what he wants/needs. I am not saying that sex is an option, but every men has needs too. He is emotionally and sexually depressed, from my point of view. That is why by having an affair will re-create the fantasy he hoped to be with his wife again. So here, I want to be a good listener for him, no matter how crappy that may sound. He is very lonely inside, and that can lead to emotional depression.
3. I am beginning to feel my affection for him. I know I should back off - he's married for God's sake! - and move on with my life, but he makes me feel alive. I am happy when I'm with him. Some of this stories were based on truth - they are not entirely lies, after all, except for personal life and love life - and I am happy to be part of it, to listen, to laugh at his jokes... just be me.

Okay, that's all for now. If he ever read this, I just want him to know that I understand why you did this. I want you to know that I do care about you, and I love you. And I'm not stupid to find out the truth about you. It's hard to accept the fact that you are married, but hey... life is cruel. Women are emotionally stronger, that is why we can swallow the most bitter thing in life. Hey, talk about women power!

Valentine's be like.....

   It's Valentine's day, and I am patiently waiting for him to come home soon. :)

Trust, honesty, and love in long-distance relationships.

   He greeted Happy Valentine's Day tonight. I immediately cried.... until now. There's like a rush of emotions coming into me. I know that long distance relationship can be tough, yes, I've been through it from my past relationships. Now I chose this path again because I have fallen for this guy... virtually. No, we never touch, never got intimate, but we do Skype almost every night (well, day his time in NY). It's a healthy relationship, but............

   .........forgive me if I sounded creepy. That one day of our conversation while he was on his way back to the firehouse questioned me a lot. In addition, a ring that I saw on his left hand a few days ago while he's on call, and a woman called her 'P**l' instead of 'E**c'. So, I decided to make a few background checks on him, just to be sure that I might hear it wrong. Curious.

   Lemme get this straight, I know how insecure people can be when it comes to making, emm.... cyber-friends? I think it is good to be cautious/aware at all times. I do understand his actions, and how private he is with his life, so I won't judge much. My only concern is whether I am actually dating a married guy or not. The ring that I saw a few days ago was definitely a type of wedding ring. I am afraid that I might have hurt some people during the process, and I don't want that. I didn't dare to ask him, because I am too afraid. Afraid of whether he will tell me a complete lie or truth. One possibility.... I will be hurt.

   We've known each other at the end of September last year, until now, we're still keeping in touch. Two months after getting to know each other, there's this warm feelings began to grow. That's when I realized that I have fallen for this man. He is good. He cares. Despite his hectic schedule, he'll try to find his time to see me on Skype, ask me about my day, my parents, schools, thesis, etc. just like a regular couple. This long distance relationship is healthy so far, and I am happy... truly happy.

   I remember that one conversation we had about happiness. He wanted me happy. So do I. At that point, I feared that he might wanted to let me go (break-up) because he's concern about the distance that we're facing now. The way he said seemed like he's okay to let me see another guy. Idk, just my thought. So, I reassured him that I am happy, hence why I chose this path... to be in this kind of relationship. Honestly, I was hurt because of the way he spoke to me, as if he is super ready to end this relationship... but then, I cannot because again, I do understand. The world of internet, it's like a fantasy. Nothing is real unless we are very committed to bring this relationship to the next level - to see each other, which I am. I want to see him... face to face. Not sure him though. But yeah... I am committed, hence why I chose this path in a relationship.

   I knew he saw my LinkedIn profile a few days ago too, because I found his LinkedIn profile while searching for potential jobs in NYC. It's true that his real name starts with P and not E. Hurt? A bit. But again, I understand how private he is, and I understand the boundaries of making cyber-friends... you need to be careful at all times. So I cannot really judge. It's good to have a good explanation from him, but if he choose not to, I understand and I respect that.

   Building trust. Hmm... after all that I have seen/heard, I still can trust him. I know that in every relationships, honesty and trust are two major components. It's like the main ingredient towards happy relationships. Not all of this stories are based on lies. He told me the truth about other things, just his personal life... maybe. Again, I am after all, his cyber-friend/girlfriend. He wanted to be safe. Setting up boundaries might be his best option for now, until he is certain that I am a trustworthy person.... maybe? Idk.

   I didn't talk that much with him tonight unlike any other days because of all these, but not sure if he realized that. I have this feeling of telling him this whole thing, but I don't dare... because I do not want to hurt myself. I don't want to ruin this relationship. I don't want to lose him. Yes, after what he did to me.... I still love him. It doesn't change the fact that I adore him. I just want his honesty in this relationship, but IDK how to gain his honesty in this matter.

   Readers, have you ever come across this situation before? How do you handle long-distance relationships? Can honesty and trust be built along the way?

   P, just so you know... I still care about you. :) Okay, stop crying. LOL