Fight and secret

So tonight (Sunday night), he said that he's at his sister's house for dinner. That might be true. But somehow, it felt weird when he had to go outside amidst the rain just to say hi to me. As if he is keeping a secret. As if he doesn't want to let his sister know that he's virtually dating me. As if I am yet to be included in his family circle. As if I am the mistress that needs to be hidden all the time.

Oh wait, he has someone in his life already.

This is very frustrating. He is always gone during the weekend. Always. I long for his random talk, laugh about random things, you know, like what boyfriend girlfriend do - being lazy, getting cozy with each other. I know men need some space, but the only time I got to talk to him is always during his work time. Quite frustrating.

For the second time, he lied about his name. Not Eric, but Paul. But he told me that Eric is his second name, which I am not sure what to believe. I tried to trust him, but he keeps on breaching the trust. My heart shatters to pieces. All the time. Even though I let it go, I am not sure whatever he said to me tonight has some truth in it.

[7:20:15 AM] eric222333: No I mean back into sis house stepped outside a min to talk to you
[7:20:32 AM] Sha HZ: Why do you need to do that?
[7:27:10 AM] eric222333: Haha. Cause I'm wet. Was raining out.
[7:28:07 AM] Sha HZ: Then why going out to talk to me? We can text inside the house and not getting yourself wet.
[7:47:18 AM] eric222333: Rude to text at table I think.
[7:50:03 AM] Sha HZ: You know i dont mean while having dinner.
[7:51:37 AM] Sha HZ: Ok if that is how you see me. Enjoy.
[7:54:32 AM] eric222333: What do you me as how I see you???   I didn't say anything about how I see u?
[8:06:46 AM] eric222333: I wasn't saying your rude
[8:06:55 AM] eric222333: If that's what you think I meant.
[8:07:43 AM] eric222333: Not at all. I just didn't want to text at the table but wanted to say hi to you. So I stepped outside for some fresh air to say hi.
[8:10:51 AM] Sha HZ: K. My fault.
[8:13:45 AM] Sha HZ: Not appreciating your struggles just to talk to me amidst the rain. Fine. Sorry.
[8:15:23 AM] Sha HZ: For* not

So, in the end, it is always me to surrender. I let him win.

But I really love this man. Sigh. Why so difficult?

So, my next question is..... who am I to him? Girlfriend? Or just someone for him to satisfy his needs... needs, by mean sex?



Sincerely,
In dilemma

Trust, honesty, and love in long-distance relationships.

   He greeted Happy Valentine's Day tonight. I immediately cried.... until now. There's like a rush of emotions coming into me. I know that long distance relationship can be tough, yes, I've been through it from my past relationships. Now I chose this path again because I have fallen for this guy... virtually. No, we never touch, never got intimate, but we do Skype almost every night (well, day his time in NY). It's a healthy relationship, but............

   .........forgive me if I sounded creepy. That one day of our conversation while he was on his way back to the firehouse questioned me a lot. In addition, a ring that I saw on his left hand a few days ago while he's on call, and a woman called her 'P**l' instead of 'E**c'. So, I decided to make a few background checks on him, just to be sure that I might hear it wrong. Curious.

   Lemme get this straight, I know how insecure people can be when it comes to making, emm.... cyber-friends? I think it is good to be cautious/aware at all times. I do understand his actions, and how private he is with his life, so I won't judge much. My only concern is whether I am actually dating a married guy or not. The ring that I saw a few days ago was definitely a type of wedding ring. I am afraid that I might have hurt some people during the process, and I don't want that. I didn't dare to ask him, because I am too afraid. Afraid of whether he will tell me a complete lie or truth. One possibility.... I will be hurt.

   We've known each other at the end of September last year, until now, we're still keeping in touch. Two months after getting to know each other, there's this warm feelings began to grow. That's when I realized that I have fallen for this man. He is good. He cares. Despite his hectic schedule, he'll try to find his time to see me on Skype, ask me about my day, my parents, schools, thesis, etc. just like a regular couple. This long distance relationship is healthy so far, and I am happy... truly happy.

   I remember that one conversation we had about happiness. He wanted me happy. So do I. At that point, I feared that he might wanted to let me go (break-up) because he's concern about the distance that we're facing now. The way he said seemed like he's okay to let me see another guy. Idk, just my thought. So, I reassured him that I am happy, hence why I chose this path... to be in this kind of relationship. Honestly, I was hurt because of the way he spoke to me, as if he is super ready to end this relationship... but then, I cannot because again, I do understand. The world of internet, it's like a fantasy. Nothing is real unless we are very committed to bring this relationship to the next level - to see each other, which I am. I want to see him... face to face. Not sure him though. But yeah... I am committed, hence why I chose this path in a relationship.

   I knew he saw my LinkedIn profile a few days ago too, because I found his LinkedIn profile while searching for potential jobs in NYC. It's true that his real name starts with P and not E. Hurt? A bit. But again, I understand how private he is, and I understand the boundaries of making cyber-friends... you need to be careful at all times. So I cannot really judge. It's good to have a good explanation from him, but if he choose not to, I understand and I respect that.

   Building trust. Hmm... after all that I have seen/heard, I still can trust him. I know that in every relationships, honesty and trust are two major components. It's like the main ingredient towards happy relationships. Not all of this stories are based on lies. He told me the truth about other things, just his personal life... maybe. Again, I am after all, his cyber-friend/girlfriend. He wanted to be safe. Setting up boundaries might be his best option for now, until he is certain that I am a trustworthy person.... maybe? Idk.

   I didn't talk that much with him tonight unlike any other days because of all these, but not sure if he realized that. I have this feeling of telling him this whole thing, but I don't dare... because I do not want to hurt myself. I don't want to ruin this relationship. I don't want to lose him. Yes, after what he did to me.... I still love him. It doesn't change the fact that I adore him. I just want his honesty in this relationship, but IDK how to gain his honesty in this matter.

   Readers, have you ever come across this situation before? How do you handle long-distance relationships? Can honesty and trust be built along the way?

   P, just so you know... I still care about you. :) Okay, stop crying. LOL