Secrets....

We skyped last night before I went to bed. It got serious when I brought up issues of trust and commitment. I really felt like saying those to him. I mean, come on, after 6 months in a relationship with him, I still cannot figured out reasons why he is so secretive. To me, being in a relationship means putting your trust and honesty to that person, although you cannot put it wholeheartedly. You love that person, so I guess it is common if you could share your stories every now and then.

But with him.... It is always, random talk. Nothing about ourselves - well, in this case, it's more about me than him. So, I am curious to know what exactly is on his mind.

I asked the reason why he is being so secretive. When he said "I am just a private person", I had a feeling that it is not entirely true. I insisted to know what happened. To my surprise, he told me this (not specific, but enough to shock me), "...because when I put my trust to someone I love, I always ended up getting hurt. Fucked up. It's a shit!" So I dared to ask him another question, "is that the reason why you cannot trust me?" He said, "I'm getting there." I asked more, "are you happy with me?" He said, "I am." I asked if he is okay with this relationship, long distance, and he said "I am good this way."

So... it got me thinking, actually, what happened to him and his wife? Does his wife cheat? Or did she cheat on him? Is that the reason why he decided to find another woman? Revenge? Feel hurt because of breaching of trust? If yes, why still staying with his wife? Why is that every time there's call in the house, he always said "Let me get back to my wife" and said to me "Spam! I hate spams!" Even though I heard their conversation but what ever. Why is his wife appeared on every events he attended to? What is happening, exactly?

At the same time, I feel hurt. And sad. The fact that he finds it hard to trust me, and makes that kind of commitment - the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I trust him, yet he breaches my trust. He thought I didn't know the fact that he is still married, that's one thing. He lied about his real name (used Eric instead of Paul) is another thing. He breaches so much, it shatters my heart into pieces. But most hurtful would be the trust. He can't trust me. So who am I? A girl who can entertain him when he is lonely/in need? I love my man so much eventhough I knew that he is still married. Put aside marriage. It's trust that I feel hurt the most. He may say "I'm getting there", will he ever trust me? The fact that our relationship is virtual and theoretical, I am not sure if he can put his trust on me.

I cried after hearing that, for a brief moment. Because I love him, I love Paul W. Mahler. Knowing that he cannot trust me, and with commitment issues, I fear that he have stabbed sharp knives to my heart. We went silence for a moment, before we terminated the conversation by changing the subject to something funnier.

Oh Paul Mahler, what has happened to you? Can't you at least be honest with me? I have put my trust on you, but you keep yourself away from me. You don't want to tell me your address, phone number, personal stories, past love life, and even your real name. Tell me, what have I done that made you feel like this? What went wrong with your past life? I want to know, and if you consider me as your girlfriend, I don't see any reasons why I should not know about this. I want to share my life with you, and I believe I have done my part. What is do dark about your past that you do not wish to share it with me? You cannot trust me?

I love my man.
I want to protect my man.

But he is keeping his distant away from me.
And I want to know why.

Paul... Please, tell me your secrets.
What happened?






I love my man.
I don't care if you are 45 years old.
I don't care if you are married.
I want you to know, you are more than just boyfriend to me.

You are everything I have.
Love. Fun.

I don't care if you have million dollars.
I don't care if you are not rich.
I don't care if you think I am a fool to fall in love with you.

...because all I care about is you.
I love you!
Don't forget that!