Secrets....

We skyped last night before I went to bed. It got serious when I brought up issues of trust and commitment. I really felt like saying those to him. I mean, come on, after 6 months in a relationship with him, I still cannot figured out reasons why he is so secretive. To me, being in a relationship means putting your trust and honesty to that person, although you cannot put it wholeheartedly. You love that person, so I guess it is common if you could share your stories every now and then.

But with him.... It is always, random talk. Nothing about ourselves - well, in this case, it's more about me than him. So, I am curious to know what exactly is on his mind.

I asked the reason why he is being so secretive. When he said "I am just a private person", I had a feeling that it is not entirely true. I insisted to know what happened. To my surprise, he told me this (not specific, but enough to shock me), "...because when I put my trust to someone I love, I always ended up getting hurt. Fucked up. It's a shit!" So I dared to ask him another question, "is that the reason why you cannot trust me?" He said, "I'm getting there." I asked more, "are you happy with me?" He said, "I am." I asked if he is okay with this relationship, long distance, and he said "I am good this way."

So... it got me thinking, actually, what happened to him and his wife? Does his wife cheat? Or did she cheat on him? Is that the reason why he decided to find another woman? Revenge? Feel hurt because of breaching of trust? If yes, why still staying with his wife? Why is that every time there's call in the house, he always said "Let me get back to my wife" and said to me "Spam! I hate spams!" Even though I heard their conversation but what ever. Why is his wife appeared on every events he attended to? What is happening, exactly?

At the same time, I feel hurt. And sad. The fact that he finds it hard to trust me, and makes that kind of commitment - the boyfriend girlfriend thing. I trust him, yet he breaches my trust. He thought I didn't know the fact that he is still married, that's one thing. He lied about his real name (used Eric instead of Paul) is another thing. He breaches so much, it shatters my heart into pieces. But most hurtful would be the trust. He can't trust me. So who am I? A girl who can entertain him when he is lonely/in need? I love my man so much eventhough I knew that he is still married. Put aside marriage. It's trust that I feel hurt the most. He may say "I'm getting there", will he ever trust me? The fact that our relationship is virtual and theoretical, I am not sure if he can put his trust on me.

I cried after hearing that, for a brief moment. Because I love him, I love Paul W. Mahler. Knowing that he cannot trust me, and with commitment issues, I fear that he have stabbed sharp knives to my heart. We went silence for a moment, before we terminated the conversation by changing the subject to something funnier.

Oh Paul Mahler, what has happened to you? Can't you at least be honest with me? I have put my trust on you, but you keep yourself away from me. You don't want to tell me your address, phone number, personal stories, past love life, and even your real name. Tell me, what have I done that made you feel like this? What went wrong with your past life? I want to know, and if you consider me as your girlfriend, I don't see any reasons why I should not know about this. I want to share my life with you, and I believe I have done my part. What is do dark about your past that you do not wish to share it with me? You cannot trust me?

I love my man.
I want to protect my man.

But he is keeping his distant away from me.
And I want to know why.

Paul... Please, tell me your secrets.
What happened?






I love my man.
I don't care if you are 45 years old.
I don't care if you are married.
I want you to know, you are more than just boyfriend to me.

You are everything I have.
Love. Fun.

I don't care if you have million dollars.
I don't care if you are not rich.
I don't care if you think I am a fool to fall in love with you.

...because all I care about is you.
I love you!
Don't forget that!

He texted....

Good evening. (kiss) (kiss)

...on Skype.

at 11.56pm.

I am mad.

I feel like punching his face right now and say "just go to your wife, because I am not important to you!"

He's gone again.

...weekend.

And here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, hoping that he would text me.

But to no avail.

Wife and kids, I assume?

Yep, I am not that important at all.

Sigh.

Enough said.

Birthday for my man who does not exist.

Bought cupcakes to celebrate his birthday today... March 30.
Planned to give him a surprise birthday celebration when we Skype.

But, I am pretty sure I am not his priority.

Yea, he has a wife and two beautiful daughters.
So, make that as his LAST priority.

I'm so stupid.
Sigh.



p/s: Also, hurt my back. I chose not to tell him. I'll let him enjoy his day while I suffer from sadness. Thanks!

Relationship expectation....

What are my possibilities of having a future together with Paul?
Answer: Maybe nil.

3) Most affairs end.

It’s important to know that, while affairs can be incredibly sexy, compelling, addictive and renewing, most of them end. That’s because after the thrill wears off, most people recognize that everyone, even the affair partner, is a package deal.

This means that we all have good points and bad points. When two people are in the throes of infatuation, they are only focusing on what’s good. This is short-lived, generally speaking. That’s because reality sets in and infatuation fades. If the betrayed spouse doesn’t run to a divorce attorney prematurely, it’s entirely possible that an affair will die a natural death.

I read this article above about Infidelity from Huntington Post online. I am seriously torn when I read the third point of dealing with infidelity issue. Been talking to my Filipino best friend about this since she is the only person who knows the ugly truth of my relationship with Paul, and she saw how devastated I am especially remembering the fact that PAUL ALREADY HAS A WIFE.

Sam, if you read this, please... I seriously need a major therapy. I love Paul, and I do not consider this relationship as an affair. What should I do? If I leave him, I'm like dead. If I don't, I'll remain in the shadow, and the guilt for his wife would be much severe.

I don't know what to do.
Sigh.

Infidelity

Those conversations.... definitely has very deep meanings.

So, it is confirmed. He has a wife, Debbie, and two beautiful daughters, Rae and Meg. All grown ups. One is already married, one is about to go to college. He has a beautiful family in Melville, people.

I should just back off...........

..........But I can't!

The thing is, I love this man so much despite the infidelity issue. I have dropping hints here and there, made up stories, hoped that eventually he told me the truth. I told him my Filipino best friend (which was actually me) was in a relationship with a married man. I asked him whether they do have future together?

His answers broke my heart. Shattered into pieces.

He said even though that person has a wife, he may not love his wife anymore. So he tried to find an affair where he can satisfy his needs, emotionally and physically... By means of sex. Also because of children, he can't leave his wife. It will hurt his children. So future with him... possible, but chances are almost nil. Some won't have chances at all. So it will be just an affair for that guy.

After the Skype talk 2 days ago, I cried before I went to bed. I love this man, but it's difficult because he has a wife and children. He told me that he has three wives that he keep safely locked in the basement (more like a joke), but three? It's like a statement "I have a wife and 2 daughters".

Paul Mah***, if you read this, please... no more lies.

........I still love this man.

Will I have future with him?
Would he eventually want to settle in together with me?

I love this man.
But marriage binds him.

Sigh.

Weekends without him...

...I'm pretty sad right now, but then I think he might be with his wife, pour his undivided attention to her, leaving me alone....

...until Monday starts again.

Sigh.

I miss you, Paul. But then, I have to understand, you have a wife. This is just an affair to you. But to me, it's a relationship.

Sigh.

Okay, I'll try to sleep without crying.

Goodnight earthlings.
Good morning Melville, NY.